Monday, April 19, 2010

Commando

The Takeaway: Whatever you do - don't take out the garbage. Also - who needs gas when you can just as easily push your truck down a hill? And while we're on the subject, apparently even if the electrics are torn out of the truck, and clearly the truck isn't turned on, the break lights will still work just fine.

Format: Bluray

Things I Learned From Commando:

- You probably wouldn't guess this, but bathrooms on airplanes are also handy elevators that go down to the cargo area, where in only a minute's time you can find your way out to the landing gear - as it's coming up - and fall 40+ feet into a swamp (which happens to be conveniently located just steps away from the runway) with little to no trouble at all. It seems you probably won't even get your hair wet.

- James Horner is never without his indian whistle instrument thingy.

- It's not as difficult as you'd think to locate an actor who's short enough to have sung, "we represent the lollipop guild"... even if he's in an airport with thousands of people.

- With the smallest amount of effort you can tear a phone booth out of the ground and hurl it - with a dude inside - then get tackled by seven mall cops, which you swat away like gnats, without breaking a sweat. After that brutality, you can still get in touch with your feminine side enough to flit down a weird balloon apparatus with the grace of Balanchine dancer. Keep in mind that between swatting the cops and flitting, you'll probably have to beat the piss out of those cops when they get up from said initial swatting.

- Interior decorating in a car includes, but is not limited to, tearing out the driver's side seat.

- When you tell someone that you're gonna kill them last, it always comes as a surprise when you kill them first.

- More of a question really, but what the hell was the naked couple doing in the hotel room when Arnie hurls the black dude through the door? Door busts open and out of fright, the couple pops up. But it started with the naked guy sorta in child's pose from Yoga and the naked girl appears to be on top of him with her face buried in the middle of his back. Now I didn't see her wearing a strap-on or anything, which would at least explain the position. I suppose her hands could have done the dirty work, but let's face it, that's just speculation. I guess it's just one of the many existential questions this flick raises but doesn't answer satisfyingly.

- "This must be his car," says Arnie. Clearly because in Arnie's world all black guys drive teal convertibles?

- When someone says, "wait for my signal," in an 80's action movie, everyone should read it as something that's gonna be really loud, explosive, and virtually impossible for someone to actually pull off.

- Robbing a store gets you put in jail?

- They have stores where you can buy (or steal) rocket launchers?

- Rocket launchers are WAY easier to work than you probably thought. Apparently all you need to do is read the instructions. Huh. I'd have thought training would be involved somewhere.

- Bad guys tend to have at least one set of windows in their mansions boarded up. You know, just in case they kidnap a little girl and don't want her to escape through a window.

- So let me get this straight - if you shoot enough bullets at a car, chances are it'll turn over on it's side and eventually fall off a pier into the water?

- Bill Paxton likes to play bit parts in Arnie movies.

- 11 hours is not an unreasonable amount of time to expect a dead man's hat to stay covered over his face without falling off.

- I will never look as good in a speedo as Arnold did in 1985. A speedo will never look good on anyone - even Arnold in 1985.

- Evil henchmen really have the worst aim. How they ever got the job in the first place is totally beyond me. And all they do is complain about the terrible hours and lack of pay raise. Well - here's a thought, evil henchman, why don't you do your one and only job - you know - kill the ONE dude attacking the god damned fortress - especially when you not only have a good shot at him, but he hasn't even seen you yet! Just don't miss, ya freakin' douche nozzle!

- Arnold is exceptional at leaping from insane heights and landing on both feet with no problem.

- Bennett looks more like an out-of-shape science teacher than someone who could possibly beat down Arnold. Or maybe he looks like the guy sitting next to you at a skin flick in a movie theater in the 1970s. Yes - I find those two character types indistinguishable. Laugh if you must, but you haven't seen my old science teachers. Oh - and I think I liked Bennett better when he was still out of shape, but running around screaming and grunting at Mel Gibson.

- Whenever you're desperately in need of a weapon - just look for whatever metal pipe happens to be attached to the wall next to you and tear it off with your bare hands and presto-magic-return-of-the-Jedi: you have yourself an honest to goodness weapon. Now make sure you hurl it at top speed toward your enemy, watch him die a totally unconvincing death, and rattle off the cheesiest one-liner in the entire flick.

This is absolutely the greatest cheesy 1980's action flick ever produced! ENJOY KIDDIES! It's a PARIS!

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